Unbroken, the 'L' word

2 years ago

the ‘L’ word

If there is one thing i learned in being in a relationship is that you don’t play with the “L” word. It’s not that I’m inlove or anything with this girl which we will name Jackie. It’s the feeling of being left out and with me being at fault. I never thought it would end this way nor feel this way. I know it’s pathetic and stupid to write about this but this all i can do. She’s gone forever.
It all started as a friendship, like everyone else. She was cool, I was cool, we are a click. She provided me with the friendship that I long for, being thousand of miles away from my comfort zone. I always look forward to talking with her every single day. Even if it only lasted for a hour or so. First in the mornings and secondly just before I get off from work. We had a very interesting conversation, we talk about almost anything. About dogs, who is smarter, about our boring lives and about love. I shared more things to her than my actual friends. I guess I let my guard down around her. I don’t know how it started, we being a thing. All I remember is saying the ever overrated “L” word and her doing the same. I even called her babe and me her teddy bear. I know it’s very cheesy. In fact, it’s really, so, very, all the superlatives cheesy. She even made me growel…..grrr…! she said it’s cute. She always makes fun of me. Of how i say thingy instead of just thing. For example, I would say “I think that’s an American thingy” and she would laugh so hard. She told me not to change. Sadly, I did. I do admit being single all my life. And I wear it proud. But it gets tiring, being single. I don’t know about you but for me I’m sick of it. I.m a hopeless romantic, I even joined a group in facebook for hopeless romantics and also the group with a name “awesome people who are single for no reason” I don’t know where I’m going at with this dumb post. I just need to let this out of my system. I can’t cry even if I want to. I guess my tearducks are mad at me for being this dumb and selfish. By the way, it’s already 9:49pm here and I need to sleep soon cause I have work tomorrow. Also, I’m listening to Air Supply’s Platinum and Gold Collection album while eating a box of not-so-sweet cookies but they do, do the job so it’s all okay. I believe this is a cliche of heartbreak…is it? I don’t have a clue. NGSB remember?
I learned many things during this short lived relationship. First, when you’re in love (or if you think you are) it feels like all the songs are about you. Seriously, when hear something….I can’t explain it. I know you get the point. I remember one time she asked me to listen to one song. “Why” by 98degrees. Good thing I have a album of 98degrees (weird right?) in which I don’t really listen to. So i did listen to it. The next day I asked her whats with the song? She told me to listen to the lyrics. I did. I’m still confused. What’s with the lyrics? It’s a crappy song from a crappy boyband. Then she said it…”Why are we still friends?” I was astounded. She made the first move on me. (NICE!) I told her that what are we having right now is epic and I don’t want to rush things. Because we just met. Of course I said I have feelings too. (I lied that time.) but I can’t just say the “L” word, it’s a real biggie for me. And then she said. “Ryan, I love you.” You know what I said? Thank you. WTF?!?! Who says thank you when you’re told the “L” word? ME! She was obviously dissapointed by that statement. So I needed to do something about it. I gather all my guts and say that dreaded word. I lied again that time. I only said that word whole-heartedly to a girl one time. I remember it very much, during our Rizal Park tour. All thanks to my dearest friend who suddenly just opened up the topic. Saying to that girl that I have something important to say. So I kinda poured out my feelings on a public bus. We are on a three seater me, her and a random stranger beside us. I told her, in which i totally remember. I love you more than Kat McPhee now. (Yes, I’m a real suck-up for Miss McPhee) she gave an answer back. Up until now I’m still wondering but I guessing it’s a no. I’m not dumb or anything I’m not pushing my luck. I would have appreciated it if she just dumped me or something. Cause I was left hanging for that answer throughout college. I’m so over it now. No worries. Okay. seriously this Air Supply songs are hitting the right spots. I think I’m gonna cry. Okay back to the real topic. I don’t remember what really happened between us. I guess it’s the way of my brain to cope up with this ugly feeling. Just leaving out the not-so-good memories. But I feel what I feel that thursday afternoon. We are talking, I don’t know what are we arguing about. In which most definately its my fault. Being childish and all. Immature, conceited, spoiled, selfish,etc. It was a very ugly break-up. I recall telling my friend about this relationship. She told me that I may fall for the girl in the end. All I said was, this isn’t a movie, things like that never happens in real life. I was wrong again. I don’t know how to describe that feeling. As I was walking home it was very weird, very very weird. I don’t to feel that way again. Never again. I think I’m done sharing, the force field that I used to block out the memories are slowly going down better I put up a wall again. Did I make sense with what I just wrote? I don’t know. Love indeed is very complicated in many ways. You thought you know everything you need to know but it can still surprise you in many ways. Would I want to be in love again? Yeah I do. Most certainly. Just waiting for my next heartache. haha. To that girl we named Jackie, I’m really sorry. I don’t know if we’ll see each other again but I’m really sorry. You did hurt me too so you should be sorry too. Ha!
Okay now I feel like a pathetic dumb-ass loser for this. I know my case is pretty simple compared to other people stories. But hey! This is my story so back-up this is a big thing for me. Deal with it!
I’m on the last song of the Air Supply album. It’s Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You) this song is killing me. I think I’m gonna switch to Bon Jovi now. PEACE!

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the ‘L’ word

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